When Skylar entered the world in the birthing pool 2 years ago, I still to this day believe I had a positive birth and everything I had wished for bringing our first child into the world. When the midwife said shortly after she was born that I will need whisking off to theatre immediately as I had suffered a severe tear that needs repairing, I was so shocked as I just didn’t know.

It’s only now after going through pregnancy second time round do I realise how rare it was to have a 4th degree tear and medical staff and midwives grimace when they see my notes but I still don’t feel like it was that bad. I remember being so obsessed with getting breastfeeding established that I didn’t notice how uncomfortable it was. I also had nothing to compare it against so it didn’t seem too bad and I just got on with it.

One thing I do remember is after I had the surgery and was in the recovery room, the surgeon came to visit me and said “if you have another baby I strongly suggest you have a c-section”. At that point I was holding our long awaited baby in my arms, I never even imagined having another child. However fifteen months later I became pregnant again and I needed a decision to make.

My first thoughts once I had got through the first trimester was I will have the c-section. The words of the surgeon kept ringing in my ears and to be honest the look on his face at the time he came to visit me said it all.

As I got further through the pregnancy I was put under a consultant to help me with my decision and discuss my options for birth. At this point I had also just started pregnancy yoga with Donna at Better Birth Company. Donna’s classes reminded me of being pregnant first time round and how much I was geared up for a natural birth that I started to really want to deliver naturally.

I had regular appointments with the consultant and he could see that I didn’t want a c-section but was still a bit undecided. He suggested I had a scan at each appointment to monitor the size of the baby because if the baby appeared “big” then it might help my decision to have a c-section. It turned out the baby was very small and therefore I started having growth scans.

Each time I saw the consultant I kept changing my mind but by the time I got to 34 weeks pregnant I knew I needed to come up with an answer. The consultant said that if I had a natural delivery, he would make sure there was a senior person in the room to make sure my perineum was protected at the time of delivery. He also said that if I did tear again he would make sure I was stitched up by a senior consultant if not himself. So, at the 34 weeks appointment we agreed to put a date in for a c-section at 40 weeks but if I go into labour before then I would have a natural delivery. C-sections are normally given at 39 weeks but I thought if I push it to 40 weeks I am bound to go into labour before then as I had my first daughter at 38 weeks. He was still a little concerned about the size of the baby so he was keen to get a c-section booked in at least.

I did hypnobirthing first time round with Donna which I really enjoyed and chose hypnobirthing to deliver my first daughter. I started to dig out my hypnobirthing notes but having a chat with Donna I decided I needed a refresher. I knew I didn’t have time to attend a class as I was still working full time and Skylar was still at home full time because of the Coronavirus so I worked in the evenings a lot. Donna suggested doing an online class with Birth Ed. It was just £40 and you could do it in your own time so it seemed like a good idea.

I managed to cram in the modules in any spare time I had and as fast as I could as I was approaching full term. The course was great and made me even more motivated and excited to have a natural birth. I had such a strong feeling of this baby entering the world when it was ready and not being forced out via a c-section as that just didn’t seem right to me and this was my main reason for not wanting a c-section.

After what I thought was my last appointment with the consultant at 34 weeks he wanted to see me again at 37 weeks and scan me himself as he was still concerned about the size, as the baby was showing just below normal on the size chart. At 37 weeks he was still concerned and started to talk about a c-section or induction at that point. He wanted to see me again a week later to measure the size again and said I need to think about whether I wanted a c-section or a induction for the following week. I said to him I wasn’t keen for either and wanted to wait til 40 weeks as planned (still thinking I would go into labour naturally before then).

At the scan the following week the baby had grown a sufficient amount and he could still see I didn’t want a c-section so agreed to just leave me until 40 weeks. I was 38 weeks and honestly thought I would go into labour very soon despite not having any “signs”. I was doing prep daily with hypnobirthing in the evenings listening to scripts and affirmations and really had my mind focused. However, I was now looking after Skylar full time as I had finished work. We were still isolating because of the pandemic as I didn’t want to risk seeing anyone whilst I was pregnant and the days felt so long and exhausting and I was really running out of entertainment ideas for Skylar. I wasn’t getting any rest particularly and was wondering if this was why I hadn’t gone into labour.

Then on the Sunday, 5 days before my c-section I felt labour pains in the night. They seemed like the start of something but by the morning they had stopped. I decided to get myself checked out anyway and headed to triage. It was a false alarm and there was no signs of early labour and must have been Braxton Hicks which I didn’t have with my first. I saw a different consultant and he thought the plan I had in place to have a c-section on Thursday was a very good plan. Apparently, the fact that they have let me go to 40 weeks with such a small baby was a rare thing as the placenta could give up at any point. The words “stillborn” were used a fair few times during my visit and at this point I thought, “let’s not do this”, I should give in and go with their recommendation. My midwife said there was still time, I could still go into labour naturally, but at the back of my mind, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

5:30am on Thursday 2nd July I was in a taxi heading to the hospital as my husband couldn’t come with me. I will never forget that taxi ride. The sun was still low, the taxi man didn’t say a word to me and I just sat there and soaked up the view out the window. I saw deer in the fields and tears pricked my eyes. It had felt like an emotional roller coaster over the last few weeks of pregnancy but I knew that my body was telling me that this was the right decision. I was carrying a small baby, I had previously had a 4th degree tear and I had also tested positive for GBS which meant if I had delivered naturally I would have needed antibiotics which I now didn’t need. I felt like these 3 things were signs that it needed to be a c-section this time round. I also knew that all I really wanted was a healthy baby so no matter how they came into the world that was what was most important.

From the minute I arrived at the hospital it was a positive experience. The ward I was on was spotless and bright and airy. The midwife was excellent. Even as I cried on her as she came to discuss the operation with me she was so so good.

The role of the midwife has changed so much since the pandemic, as they almost become the shoulder to cry on as so many women are alone at hospital as their birth partner is not allowed in until either established labour or in my case, on the operating table.

I discussed my options with the midwife and I tried my best to ask for the most “natural” c-section you can get and this is exactly what I got.

I was very lucky to be first down to theatre out of the 4 women on the ward. I think if I had been last, my experience would have been a lot different as the last lady didn’t go to theatre until after 4pm and that is a long time to wait considering we had been there since 6am. For some strange reason I wasn’t remotely nervous about the operation in fact I felt so calm about it.

I was told to ring my husband so he could get there for the birth. He was greeted at the door and told to put on scrubs and before he knew it, he was by my side as my spinal injection went in.

Then as I lay down, after what felt like minutes, we heard a baby crying and they were lowering the screen so we could discover the sex….a beautiful baby girl. A wonderful little sister for our already amazing miracle.

They did delayed chord clamping and then the midwife took her to another room quickly to check her over and let my husband go with her so he can put the chord clamp on and cut the excess chord and then within a couple of minutes she was on my chest whilst the surgeon finished stitching me up. The skin to skin felt so amazing and something I didn’t have with my first daughter as I was taken to surgery. In the recovery room I started to feed, and I never actually let her go for the rest of the day. I had her tucked up on my chest snuggled in blankets and I felt so unbelievably happy and so so lucky.

We named her Molly Jane Ainsworth and she is now 11 weeks old. Feeding has been so much easier and she generally just seems very content. I was worried that because of the C-section she would be fractious and hard to settle but she has been the opposite. I think my decision to wait until 40 weeks was the right decision as it gave her that little bit longer tucked up inside.

I think if had a choice again I still would prefer to have had a natural delivery but this is now just because I felt helpless in comforting my firstborn as I wasn’t able to pick her up or lift her into her a cot or the bath for 6 weeks.

I can’t fault Wexham Park hospital. The surgeon has done a really good job and my wound has healed nicely. The first 10 days were very hard but keeping on top of the painkillers was a life saver and overall my recovery has been very smooth.

Just 3 years ago, I didn’t think I could have any children and now I have 2 beautiful girls. Some days I think I am dreaming and I have to pinch myself to realise that this is my life and my reality and it’s all I could have wished for.

Even though I managed to get pregnant 15 months after Skylar, it still wasn’t an easy journey. My next blog I will share this journey so that it can hopefully keep anyone going that is trying to conceive.

Sarah

“Let choice whisper in your ear and love murmur in your heart. Be ready. Here comes life” – Maya Angelou