Maybe this blog is another taboo subject. I seem to write a lot about taboo subjects. Women don’t often talk about the struggles of breastfeeding enough. I know some women have no issues and can breastfeed no problem, but for a lot of women, feeding does not come easy and we shouldn’t be afraid to shout up about it. I wanted to write this blog to share some of the struggles I had and what I did to fight through them.

Firstly, I think there is something to be said for when you have your first child, you are so focused on preparing for the birth you don’t think past that part and anything you might need to face. I certainly didn’t. I did the antenatal classes and I felt that we weren’t supported enough with the realities of breastfeeding, but I am thinking now, that we were supported but my mind just couldn’t digest that information as I was just too focused on the birth.

From the moment Skylar was born, she tried to feed.  I was told this would happen, and absolutely staggered that it was true. How clever these little newborns are. Despite, not really having a clue what to do, she did latch on immediately. However, I unfortunately needed surgery after the labour so I was whisked away for a good 2 hours whilst James was just left with this teeny tiny newborn to comfort. This put a bit more pressure on making sure she was fed when I returned. Skylar’s first efforts of feeding had left what the midwives called a “trauma” on my breast which I didn’t have a clue that had happened, but this made feeding again quite uncomfortable and I really wasn’t able to get her to latch. I spent one night in hospital and that night, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t feed her, so the midwife on duty helped me feed her with a bottle. I was completely exhausted and just needed some rest, so I was happy to just get some food in her in whichever way possible.

The next day, the midwives were concerned that Skylar wasn’t getting enough milk and yet I wanted to give breastfeeding another shot. One of the midwives thought that Skylar may have a tongue tie which may be causing her issues with latching and referred her for a follow up. However, she also suggested I tried a nipple shield. Skylar, clearly wanted to breastfeed and the midwives wanted to support me as much as possible so this was a good option to try. As soon as I used the shield, she latched straight away. It was a big relief, but the midwives said the shield should just be a short-term thing as they can affect my milk supply but it was working for me so I was reluctant to change anything.

A couple of days later we attended a breastfeeding clinic near the hospital to check Skylar’s tongue and she did indeed have quite a strong tongue tie so was immediately referred the next day to remove it. After her tongue was fixed I was seen by a lactation specialist and her weight was checked. Skylar had lost 10% of her birth weight which they seemed concerned about however they said to see how the feeding goes now the tongue tie was fixed and to try and stop using the nipple shield. I was told to try expressing after every feed to increase my supply and if she doesn’t seem settled after breastfeeding to give her extra expressed milk with a bottle. By now, I felt like I was literally feeding 24/7. I would breastfeed her, then give her expressed milk from a bottle then express again for the following feed. By the time I had finished that, it was time to feed again. At times, this wasn’t much fun. I was also starting to get blisters on my skin (which I now know were probably caused by the nipple shield), Arghhhh, they were just so painful. I remember at 2am in the morning one night, the pain was so bad and Skylar was screaming for more milk and wouldn’t feed as she inconsolable. James came into the room and I just sobbed. I just couldn’t believe how hard it was.

I started to try feeding without the nipple shield, but I found feeding far too painful, particularly on one side. I discovered there was a breastfeeding clinic in my town so a few days later I attended the clinic. I spent 2 hours with a lovely lady called Chris and came away feeling so much more positive as she assessed my feeding and gave me loads of advice and tips. In fact, she pretty much corrected my latch and told me what I should be doing which I felt like no one had really done before. By now, I have had so many midwives and lactation specialists try and “milk me” (sorry to not paint a pretty picture) but no one had really spent the time with me showing me how to do it until I spent this time with Chris. She told me to come back to the clinic in a few days to see how we were getting on.

A couple of days passed, and I felt like things were improving. However, Skylar had started to be quite sick after a feed. Probably just once a day. I thought it was just reflux, however, it was totally typical that we had the hottest summer on record, and I noticed that her fontanelle seemed sunken so I rang the doctor as I was worried about dehydration. The doctor prescribed baby gavisgon for her sickness and he diagnosed it as reflux. So here I was with my routine: breastfeed, gavisgon, expressed milk bottle, express, REPEAT. It felt like I didn’t even have time to go to the loo.

I went back to the clinic as suggested a few days later.  Skylar was now over 2 weeks old. I felt like my feeding had improved since I had the 2 hour 1:1 support. We arrived at the clinic and they decided to weigh her first. To my surprise, she had dropped more weight and was now 12% less than her birth weight. I was with a different lady this time and she referred me to a paediatrician at the local hospital to get her checked out, but in the meantime, she strongly suggested to give her formula to try and get her weight back up. I felt my eyes sting with tears as I was of course quite hormonal as I felt like I couldn’t feed her and to me it felt so disappointing. I had no idea I would feel like this, but I knew deep down I didn’t want to give up, despite the weight issues, the pain and the endless feeding.

James was with me in the clinic and he gave Skylar the formula whilst I pumped with a double pump. James gave her Aptamil and within about 10 minutes of her taking it she was very sick. The lactation lady said, “oh, don’t worry, that is normal, she must just have a bit of reflux”. I just agreed with her, but something didn’t feel right. I decided to rent the double pump I was given as it was so much faster than my single electric pump and A LOT quieter. I was starting to hear my pump at home ringing in my ears .

My reluctance to give her formula meant that I was trying to feed and pump even more. I knew I had another weight check in a few days from the referral, so I needed to make sure her weight had increased. However, Skylar was continuing to be sick, but not every day, so I started charting her feeds and sleep patterns/behaviour. I gave her formula on the times where she wouldn’t settle, after a breast feed and expressed milk bottle. I was convinced that the sickness was tied in to me giving her formula, however I was confused as she was being sick before I gave her formula. So I was thinking maybe it was just reflux. I kept being told that babies are just sick sometimes, but I found it so hard, as the days she was sick, she was sick a lot which meant I didn’t have enough milk as she basically was bringing back whole feeds. So I had to try and pump even more but it became so exhausting that on her sick days I resorted to giving her formula but then it meant I could never work out if the formula was causing the problem.

I went for the referral a few days later at our local hospital and it was a huge relief when they confirmed she had put on weight. I asked the paediatrician about the sickness and she also said, it is just reflux and trying using Infacol to help bring her wind up and lots of feeding, then winding etc. My eyes just rolled as I thought “great, yes, let’s make the feeds even longer, as I am not finding it difficult enough as it is”.

The final straw came when we had relentless days of 30 degrees and Skylar was sick 3 times within 24 hours. I put a call into the midwives at my local hospital and they strongly suggested taking her to a&e to prevent dehydration. She was just 3 weeks old.

Fortunately, we were very lucky that day as the paediatrician on duty specialised in cows milk intolerance and as soon as we told him our story he diagnosed it straight away. There is no test for babies with cow’s milk intolerance other than to just eliminate it from their diets. He therefore prescribed a dairy free formula and to come back and see him in a couple of weeks.

During this time, my feeding improved, but I still felt like I ran out of milk in the evenings, so I got into a routine of pumping in the mornings and giving expressed milk in the evenings after my breast feeds.

By the time it came to my follow up appointment at the allergy clinic, Skylar was 7 weeks old and I had completely cut our formula and was only giving her breastmilk. Her sickness had improved, but very weirdly she would be sick every 5^th day in the morning. It was like clockwork. I even knew not to go out in the morning on those days as didn’t want Skylar performing the Exorcist in public.  At the check-up, Skylar’s weight had significantly improved but I mentioned the sickness was still ongoing but not as much. The doctor suggested I went dairy free for 2 weeks. My immediate reaction was “does that mean I can’t eat chocolate?” and very sadly the doctor confirmed I needed to eliminate all dairy and yes, including chocolate. This is how dedicated to breast feeding I was, I was willing to give up chocolate and cream cakes. My 2 favourites.

Within a week of giving up dairy, Skylar’s sickness completely stopped. I couldn’t believe it. In my mind, I wasn’t convinced she did have a cow’s milk intolerance until this completely confirmed it. So almond milk became my new best friend.

Skylar is now nearly 8 months old and I am still breast-feeding and still dairy free (I do eat cooked dairy). In Skylar’s first 3 months I was counting down the days to 6 months as I said I would stop breast-feeding then as it’s just been too hard, but once the cow’s milk intolerance was sorted, things became so much easier and from 3 months I started to enjoy it and here we are at 8 months not wanting to stop. I am hoping that Skylar may just one day refuse to feed as I think that may make it easier to stop, but at the moment, I think she enjoys it as much as I do.

My Advice

So there we are, my feeding mission. There are a few things I have learnt along the way that if anyone asked me if I had any advice about breastfeeding, this is what I would say:

• Always tell yourself you have ENOUGH milk to feed your baby. The amount of times I would be with friends and family and I had just fed her, and I would pass her around afterwards and people would say “she seems hungry” or “she’s routing”. Stick to your gut and tell yourself she has had enough, and I am producing enough and don’t let anyone put doubt in your mind. Obviously if your baby is screaming the house down then maybe feed again, but after I got the hang of it, I always found Skylar would settle, she just used to constantly route for comfort.
• I did the hypnobirthing positive affirmations practice a lot before giving birth and one of the affirmations was “I have enough milk for my baby”. Honestly, KEEP telling yourself this. I did over and over again, and it finally worked.
• SEEK HELP. I went to 4 different clinics to get help on breastfeeding. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. There is lots of support out there if you look for it. Don’t cope on your own.
• If you really want to breast-feed, DON’T GIVE UP. It 100% does get easier.
• Try and RELAX when feeding. The amount of times I noticed I was holding Skylar so tight and my shoulders was so tense. As soon as I relaxed, it became so much more enjoyable and poor Skylar didn’t have to suffer from being squashed by my tight grip.
• Buy a battery-operated candle. Best thing I bought. Great for feeding in the night and it had a total calming effect on Skylar.

Before I finish my already very long blog, I can’t go without saying a big thank you to the children’s clinic at Wexham Park Hospital for treating Skylar with her cow’s milk allergy/intolerance. In particular, Dr Sanjiv Matas has been very supportive and was fantastic looking after Skylar in a&e. NHS at it’s best again. 🙂

Please email me at sarah@thejoysofnow.com if you have any questions about this blog.

Thank you for reading,

Sarah