You might be thinking from my last blog that I spent the last five years searching very hard for any joy and struggling to find any…well actually there were ways that I did find joy. I searched high and low for help and didn’t feel afraid to show my vulnerability. I write this blog to share how I managed to get through the last 5 years and also my pregnancy with the help and support of the people around me.

If you have read my About page, I discovered Mindfulness and meditation 3 years ago. A very good friend could see I was struggling and suggested I went on an 8 week Mindfulness self compassion course with her. I remember each week thinking “this just isn’t helping” as my thoughts would spiral out of control when meditating in the class, I felt frustrated and wanted to just get up and leave the room. However, each week I continued to go to the class and about half way through the course I started to realise what mindfulness was. It is strange as I thought by going to the course I would instantly feel relaxed; I almost imagined it would be like going to get a massage, but it turns out you can’t just lie there and do nothing, you do have to put a bit of effort in. After a few weeks practicing the rewards were slowly starting to pay off.

That course started back in January 2016 and since then I have done a few more courses and now mindfulness plays a big part of my everyday life and deep down I do think has played a big contribution towards the birth of my baby daughter in June this year. There is a podcast called Untangle and if you listen to the one with Emily Fletcher who is a broadway actress turn meditation teacher she explains how meditation can help with fertility. According to Emily, meditation can heighten your senses, flood the brain with dopamine and serotonin and can give your body rest up to 2 to 5 times deeper than sleep. I can’t help thinking that these factors have helped me so much to achieving my new journey of motherhood.

So what is my Mindfulness practice today? Before becoming a mum, I found a space in our house where I could sit and practice. I found lighting a candle (the Mio Liquid Yoga Candle is perfect) helped me lock in the present moment or an incense stick. I use guided meditations which I was given on my course run by Gayle Creasey.

Since being a mum, I still have managed to fit in formal practices at least 3 to 4 times per week. I also try and practice square breathing as often as I can.

So you would think with nearly 2 years of practice that by the time I was pregnant again I would be as chilled as a cucumber. If I am totally honest, my 1st 12 weeks of pregnancy I really wasn’t chilled and as I said in my last blog I had a full blown panic attack in the 2 weeks waiting for my 1st scan. I definitely didn’t feel like I could go into a room and practice meditation without my thoughts going totally crazy. However, as I have done a self compassion course, I didn’t beat myself up about it, I just accepted it at the time.

I started practicing again at about 16 weeks pregnant as I found it really helped me deal with losing my Father who passed away in January this year. I then found Yoga Glow pregnancy yoga which totally lead me to reconnect with meditation again and from then onwards I had a really good practice all the way to the birth.

Yoga Glow is run by Donna who also offered a hypnobirthing course which I decided to do quite last minute. It seriously was the best thing I could have done. I had already spent a couple of years training my mind to become calm, therefore hynobirthing was a very comfortable practice for me. Donna followed the KG Hypnobirthing method. The last 3 or 4 weeks of my pregnancy my husband would read the scripts each evening and we would switch on the battery candles (which are the best products by the way, I use them as a nighlight now to feed Skylar) to create a calm relaxed atmosphere, which is exactly what we did in the labour ward as well.

Despite all this help and practice I was still really struggling to accept that I was going to give birth to a healthy baby. I very much did not want to talk about the future or buy any baby items or start to get the nursery ready. I was still convinced something was going to go wrong. I didn’t want a fuss when I left work, I didn’t want any gifts and I certainly couldn’t get excited about it. Donna noticed my anxiety and wondered if I still needed more help to recover from the miscarriages and therefore help me prepare even more for the birth.

Donna recommended a website which specialise in any traumatic events during birth or pregnancy. I contacted them and was put in touch with a lady called Alex Heath. Alex was fantastic. I explained my situation and she suggested a couple of sessions with her and in the sessions she was going to use relaxation, visualisation and a technique called Rewind. This technique was so powerful as it was a process that made me remember the miscarriages in a certain way that lifted the strong feelings that are attached to what happened. She also gave me the ability whilst in a deeply relaxed state to experience a new, desired way of feeling, responding and thinking. I had my last session with her on a Thursday and Skylar was born on the Sunday, 10 days early.

Alex provided some relaxation tracks that I had done in the sessions with her to use at home so by the time I was on maternity leave I had a really good daily routine going to help me totally get ready for the birth and beyond. It consisted of a 10/20 minute guided meditation or relaxation, then I listened to the KG hypnobirthing positive affirmations track whilst doing hip circles and gentle rocking of the hips, both of which I learnt at pregnancy yoga to help Skylar stay in position.

I was pleased with how my birth went and believe hypnobirthing played an important role in that. I was able to use minimal pain relief through paracetamol and Skylar was born in the birthing pool as I had hoped. Although I did need surgery afterwards, I felt like I had a very strong recovery.

I wanted to do a special mention in this blog to my midwife. Now this was the NHS at it’s best. When I first went to see my midwife I was feeling very anxious. I was so worried about Skylar’s movements and heartbeat that my midwife suggested I see her every 2 weeks. Towards the end of my pregnancy she did home visits plus she saw me at home postnatally. I was so lucky to have met her and I honestly felt like she got me through so much. There was many times I was in tears particularly towards the end and she just talked me through it and made me feel so much more at ease.

Finally, I couldn’t finish this blog without mentioning my husband. James has been so supportive and I couldn’t have got through the last 5 years without him. He has kept me smiling in my darkest days and been at my side through all our losses plus all my appointments. He has been so strong throughout and has been a true inspiration to me because he has kept so calm and level headed. He has also really encouraged my meditation practice as he has noticed what a difference it has made to me and my mental wellbeing. He has been and still is my absolute rock and we know how lucky we are to finally be parents after all these years of disappointment and heartache.

Each of the people I have mentioned in this blog together with Dr Shehata and his team from the Miscarriage Clinic that I talked about in my previous blog, I believe have been a guiding light in helping me towards finding a new path and finding moments of joy despite some very challenging times.

Thank you for reading this blog. Please email me at sarah@thejoysofnow.com if you have any questions about my birth or anything in this blog. I would love to help people if you are struggling in any way. Also you can follow me on Instagram