Well here I am again with another long gap between blogs and this time it’s with great sadness that I say on the 26th January my amazing role model, legend and my inspiration, my Dad, passed away.

I want to dedicate this blog to my Dad and also the people who cared for him but also my experience over the last couple of months.

He battled with many illnesses. He had Parkinson’s Disease for 26 years, diagnosed at 46, prostate cancer and more recently was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma; he dealt with them so valiantly but eventually he just couldn’t fight anymore. The whole experience over the last 2 months has felt like an out of body experience and I truly believe that people can only understand the true feeling of a loss of parent if they have also been through it. The feeling I have is like an ache in your heart and although his death was not a shock it still fills your soul with sadness and what I can only describe as an emptiness.

He died at 5am in the morning and that day felt like the longest day after we left the hospital, however it was the brightest day. The skies were bright blue and the winter sun beamed all day. It felt like a blessing to have such a sunny day and not grey miserable skies. When we arrived back at my parents house, the phone calls started to let other family members know, but later that day my sister and I took a walk with Noodle. As my sister popped to the shop I walked back; and on my journey back on the other side of the road I spotted an elderly couple walking hand in hand. For some very strange reason I took a lot of comfort from this and I can’t explain why.

We waited 5 weeks for the funeral which seems like a long time but was due to a mixture of finding a slot that worked at the crematorium plus also allowing time for my brother and his wife who live in the States to have their baby (which fortunately they did 2 days before the funeral), however this allowed me time to prepare my dad’s eulogy. This was no easy task but I wanted to talk about what an amazing character my dad was and how much he taught and inspired everyone around him. I couldn’t get motivated to write the Eulogy and each day it sat over me like a heavy cloud however with some motivation from my husband and my sister I started to write it. I was expecting to feel upset writing it but instead I felt quite numb. In the days leading up to the funeral I practiced it regularly and still felt numb saying it. I practiced Mindfulness self compassion every day for 2 weeks leading up to the funeral to help feel at ease with whatever happened on the day and any anxious feelings I had about standing up there talking and the worry about whether the event would totally consume me on the day.

The day before the funeral, I had come down with a terrible virus and spent the day before in bed to try and make sure I could get through the funeral and on top of that the UK was being battered by the Beast from the East. I knew I had to deliver this eulogy and therefore the following morning I took 2 paracetamol and just ploughed through the day. Standing up doing the eulogy, it again felt like an out of body experience. I looked at my teary brother sitting on the front row and my voice started to break but I got through it and I feel like as a family we did my Dad proud and gave him the service he wanted.

He never gave up and I admired him so much. It was very rare to see my Dad without a smile on his face and he was always so kind. He was always proving the doctors wrong. Once his diagnosis of multiple myeloma in January 2016 was confirmed, he was given 3-6 months but he survived 24 months which shows the sort of fighter he was.

My dad was a entrepreneur. Business and enterprise was his passion and he wanted to share that passion with others. In 2009, he took on the mammoth task of writing a book called “The Joys of Entrepreneurship” Link here which is the inspiration for the name of this blog. As his Parkinson’s disease became worse and worse he tried not to let that stop him from racking up more achievements. In his 2 latter years he worked with Staffordshire university and took part in their “lasting lives” project where he co-wrote a small booklet on his life in business and the lessons he learnt. He also took up a new hobby of painting which he did at day therapy and painted a gorgeous landscape picture for all 4 of his children which we all have framed. Mine certainly has a prime spot in my hallway and does make me smile when I glance at it as it was the creative side of my dad that I had never seen.

So 2 months since his death the numbness is disappearing but is now being replaced with some unexpected episodes of tears that just seems to come from no where. My husband and I are using the Easter break to de-clutter and I started to go through some keepsake items and the 1st thing I pulled out was a birthday card from my parents. In recent years, it was quite rare for my dad to sign every card as he struggled to write but I knew I was keeping this card for a reason as he must have signed it. Yes, as I opened the card there was his little hand writing and his trademark smiley face. Well at that point, the tears came instantly. I thought afterwards it maybe a little too soon to be de-cluttering too much at the moment. It is strange, as one minute you think you are coping fine and the next the ache in your heart really intensifies and the sadness returns.

I want to just finish off this blog with some thank yous. The first is to my mum who looked after him with the support of carers over the last 2 years. There were some terribly difficult times for my mum but she kept him out of hospital as much as possible and in the comfort of his own home. She had a lot of courage and was very strong throughout. Another thank you is to the carers that kept dad going. A thank you to Archangel Homecare, Douglas Macmillan Hospice, Marie Curie, Crossroads and Palliative Care. We received a tremendous amount of support from all the carers and they really helped us in times of crisis.

Another big thank you is to the staff and nurses on ward 109 at Royal Stoke Hospital. We couldn’t of asked for more compassionate care for my dad and also the family. They kept Dad comfortable and pain free and were so supportive to our family as we lived through a very difficult week.

Finally a big thank you to my Dad for teaching me that despite the challenges that life throws at you, if you get knocked back, keep going and keep fighting and never give up. He also taught me to celebrate your achievements and live life courageously. I would like to think that I can continue this legacy in my life through everything he has taught me.

I miss his warm kind heart very much and hope he is now at peace.

Sarah

Ps: the roses in my feature image were my Dad’s funeral flowers. I managed to dry them so I had something to keep as well as my cherished memories.